Mike Danton, in a 2004 photo with the St. Louis Blues
Convicted criminal Mike Danton stepped out in front of the microphones for the first time yesterday, as reported in this story on TSN.ca. After trying to kill someone, be it his agent, David Frost, or his father, Steve Jefferson, Danton is back on the ice with a passion (here’s the 2004 TSN article about Danton’s indictment, which illustrates the confusion as to who he actually wanted to kill). Danton, now 29 years old and almost guaranteed never to play in the NHL again, is approaching his role with the Saint Mary’s University Huskies hockey team with zealous fervor. “Time in the joint makes a man realize what’s important in life,” Danton stated pensively. “All you can do in there is think. You think about what you loved. What you missed the most in the outside world. As a hockey player, I missed all the parties with the boys after games.” After a few more moments, Danton’s eyes glazed over, as if recalling a sweet memory from his youth. “And the broads. I lost six years of hittin’ prime-aged college pussy. Right when it’s the ripest.”
"The asses pounded in prison were never this tight," Danton remarks
While some commentators point out, rightly so, that Danton is still 29 years young and in reasonable athletic condition despite six years in the slammer, he insists that it just isn’t the same. “No. No. No. It doesn’t work like that anymore. You go through 6 years of taking it up the ass from guys named Denzel and Knowshon. It’s emasculating.” Reporters asked Danton if that meant he was now homosexual, to which Danton responded, “Oh, God no. Not by any means. I just don’t get hard anymore you know? I lost my ability to fuck. But I still love watching the good stuff. Turns me right on. Brings me back to my junior days when Frosty (former agent Frost, who was also a junior coach) used to make his 14, 15 year old players pound their little girlfriends right in front of him. He’d be sitting there, camera in one hand, dick in the other, takin’ it all in. I want that to be me. It’s too bad my teammates are all university kids now and I couldn’t get with the local high school team. But I’ll take what I can get.” Danton further added that, “Hey, I assume at least one or two of the freshmen guys will have high school connections still. They can bring those sluts to the team parties, and I’m gonna make them fuck. In front of me.”
Former agent, David Frost, trying out for the role of The Penguin in Batman
Apparently Frost and Danton were frequent penpals during Danton’s time in the joint, despite the allegations that Frost may have been the target for Danton’s hitman – a claim Frost denies to this day. Danton hasn’t commented on who the hit was intended for, but admits that Frost has shared many of the tricks of the trade. “Yeah, Frosty has been real good to me over the last 6 years. He’s told me the best angles to take real good close-ups of the slammin’ action, and has kept me up to date on all the new camera technologies that have emerged in the past six years. Did you know regular cameras can shoot video now? I’m going to start a Saint Mary’s Huskies porn empire! I’ll even fail a class or two each year just so I can keep coming back for more seasons in the future.” A skeptical reporter doubted the feasibility of these claims, to which Danton replied, “Are you questioning whether or not I can pull this off years into the future? I’m 29 for Christ’s sake! Did you guys not see what Frosty looked like when he was getting those barely-developed teens to give head and anal on cam? Look at me! Twenty-nine years old, in the prime of my life, a free man.” Another reporter pointed out that Danton’s teammates are not mere children, like the ones Frost took advantage of. Danton eyed down the reporter with a steely glare before his cold and calculated reply: “I have been convicted for conspiracy to commit murder. I have tried to do kill once and failed. Do you think I would take it so lightly the second time around? These boys know I mean business, and if I don’t start rollin’ out videos to sell online in the next couple of weeks, some of these bastard’s heads are going to roll. I tried to kill and failed before. I will not screw up again.”
Puck Bunnies reppin' the Los Angeles Kings: Mike Danton wants YOU
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